Young, Gifted & Out of Patience

Modern times call for a redefinition of “a**hole”

“Look,” the fellow says, ready to thrust his point. “You see, I’m an asshole.” “That’s okay,” responds another, “I’m an asshole too.” I actually overheard this remarkable exchange, where 2 people admit to a shared character trait.

It wasn’t a halfway house, or in a grueling therapy session that this admission was made. These were two people apparently quite comfortable with this nasty self-definition. They would have said it during a public address as much as they would mano a mano. Clearly, being an asshole was not a problem for these two. Nor is it I suspect for the public at large.

Dennis Leary‘s signature song, the jolly “I’m An Asshole,” was more than the comic novelty tune it appeared to be. It was an anthem. It was a sounding of bells in the town square that all the assholes should come out of hiding. Wood shutters flap, rusted hinges creak, storm cellar doors fly open letting light and air back into the domains of the lowly, huddled assholes.

young

Now it’s unlikely that Asshole discussion groups will break out all over. Assholes are by nature individualistic. You can’t rally the asshole. Assholes won’t go to a camp, beat drums and the like. Beware any group or political party that claims to be representing the will of assholes. The Reform Party would have us all believe they are Ottawa’s assholes, kinda like Kelly’s Heroes shaking up the capital’s laziness and corruption. It will never be so.

In fact, like any good thing, the asshole is misrepresented constantly. Faux assholes can ruin positive steps taken by the genuine article. Rush Limbaugh is the ultimate faux asshole. Mind you, there’s an asshole somewhere in Rush trying to get out.

Let’s examine who the assholes really are.

Assholes are primarily, but not exclusively male. There is a paucity of female assholes. Women assholes exist – Camille Paglia, for instance – but there could be more.

gifted

Assholes are, termed politely, “motivators.” Example: if a two hour lineup at the motor vehicle inspection centre seems to be the result of two ports being idle, and a quarter of the staff eating donuts and coffee, the asshole takes initiative. Any old jerk would lean on their horn. The asshole respectfully tells everyone to drop the donuts, get back to work.

Traditionally, the asshole has cut through the bull. Without the persistence of generations of assholes, humanity would likely still inhabit caves, giving themselves tongue baths.

Great asshole figures through time include Robin Hood, and most of the Merry Men. Mercutio, who in Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet taunted and teased the Monts and the Caps and was stabbed for his troubles, was a careless asshole.

Michelangelo was an asshole. Many geniuses tend to be assholes, and a lot of assholes probably think themselves geniuses.

Miles Davis, Winston Churchill, Ernest Hemingway, Elizabeth I

Hollywood has created some of the great assholes of all time. Humphrey Bogart, Clark Gable, Rosalind Russell, even Katherine Hepburn sometimes. Assholes all.

Phil Silvers, AKA Sgt. Bilko, was a great asshole. Bugs Bunny would say, “Ain’t I a stinker?” but he meant asshole.

Modern popular assholes include Rip Torn, “Arthur” on The Larry Sanders Show. The members of rock group Cracker. Harrison Ford can be such an asshole.

out of patience

Many radio talk show hosts are assholes. Talk radio is perfect for assholes. I think AM radio will resolve its ratings troubles by putting more assholes on air.

People love assholes. They’re self-appointed protectors of the meek, who recklessly take on the strong. But as sure as the asshole’s rise will be their fall. We tire of the asshole’s rage, and thus drop them.

Not since L.B.J. has there been an asshole in the White House. Assholes in politics have been ineffectual in the last generation. John Crosby, a true Newfoundland asshole, lost his way as a Tory.

Nuff’s enough. The nation – the world – cries out for a “new” asshole. Arts grants should be set aside for the new assholes. Not for some sputtering tool with clay under his fingernails. Not for some whimpering short story teller who can’t get over the death of a cat. But for some nut who argues there should be no more arts grants.

We can take heart that the time is ripe for assholes. The pundits, astrologers, soothsayers of every kind agree: these are fertile days for the asshole.

The New Asshole is stripped down, lean, sharp. They don’t want to be young, have fun or drink fuckin’ Pepsi. They can take a forestry company press release, pick it clean, and lick the bones of any propaganda. You watch enough sitcom, infomercial, and Six O’Clock News like the New Asshole has and you see through it all. You see into the TV, through the TV, you see the dust bunnies piled up behind the TV. You’re Noam Chomsky‘s lovechild. And you’re done takin’ it.

This supercharged media-savvy behemoth evolved easily from modern life. The diet of public relations, polls, paved wilderness, Popiel Pocket Fishermen and Post AlphaBits did it. Match these with the electromagnetic bursts given off by major appliances, picture tubes, fluorescent bulbs, the occasional x-ray and predictably, you create them.

Lookout 21st century – behold, the New Asshole.

Doubt it? Note a recent 60 Minutes story. “Marcos,” the revolutionary leader in Mexico’s Chiapas province, is an educated chap who speaks five languages, dons a ski mask and smokes a pipe. Pure image-making. Little hooded Mexican kids with pipes carved from sticks imitate his look. Women fantasize what the man behind the mask looks like. Can the talent agents be far behind?

The revolution will be televised after all, but the soldiers will be in disguise. Who’da thought?

Unlike in Chiapas where you can get assassinated, assholes in this country have rights. They needn’t hide in the woods fearing death squads. They can stand on any street corner in this country, wind up and shout at the top of their lungs, “I’M AN ASSHOLE!”

And the people would agree…it’s okay.