The All-Canadian Walk of Fame

It must be pointed out that this hair-brained idea, the All-Canadian Walk of Fame, cleverly spoofed in this radio play which aired on CBC Radio in 1993, came well before the REAL Canadian Walk of Fame in Toronto.

Script by Michael Klassen & J.B. Shayne

Performed by J.B. Shayne, Michael Klassen and Gord Tanner. Aired on "Brand X" CBC Radio One.

Some of the Canadian celebrities mentioned in the program – John Candy, Bruno Gerussi, Barbara Frum, all alive during the original airing – have since left us. No disrespect was intended by including their names.

SFX: URBAN EXTERIOR. SOME TRAFFIC NOISE, PUBLIC.

Shayne:

Welcome to the Hollywood North Report, I'm Showbiz Shayne. I expect my partner Kino Klassen along here shortly. Today, we visit Alderdale, BC, in the Fraser Valley outside Vancouver, where an enterprising gentleman has created a long-overdue public attraction – an All-Canadian Walk-of-Fame. The man is with me now, his name is Earl Mott, welcome Earl…

Earl:

Hi, Shayne. Thanks very much for coming out in support of the Canadian Walk-of-Fame. If I seem a bit distracted, don't worry because it's just I'm expecting others to show up.

****Edited from final broadcast****

Shayne:

Very well. Earl, although this is the first time we've met, it's not the first time one has heard about Earl Mott in this town.

Earl:

No.

Shayne:

Tell folks how you've established your reputation locally.

Earl:

It's tough discussing past failures, but I pushed hard for the creation of a Raymond Burr museum in New Westminster, BC, his home town.

Shayne:

Plans for the Burr Museum were scuttled. How did that happen? It sounded like a good idea.

Earl:

People were a little skeptical, I guess. The basic complaint I heard from investors was "you don't have enough Burr memorabilia," which was cool, but all that would have to fall into place.

Shayne:

What did you have to work with?

Earl:

I have in my possession one of the wheelchairs used by Ironside, a piece of luggage he carried in Rear Window, and an assortment of ties acquired from the old Perry Mason series.

Shayne:

A good start, I guess.

Earl:

You'd think so.

****End of edit****

Kino:

(Off, in distance) John Ireland!

Shayne:

What's that, Kino?

Kino:

Hi. I can pretty much pick out everyone on the street here except John Ireland.

Shayne:

You kids, Kino. John Ireland was a great Hollywood bad guy of the 50's and 60's.

Earl:

And like Raymond Burr he hales from New Westminster, BC.

Kino:

Earl, I've got the program and I've had a look around. I'm very impressed.

Earl:

Thanks.

Kino:

So you've essentially taken a bronze cast of a Maple Leaf, and lettered the name of the celebrity on it.

Earl:

Correct.

Kino:

And you've embedded the Maple Leafs in this fresh stretch of sidewalk in downtown Alderdale.

Earl:

That's right.

Kino:

Pardon the detail, this is radio after all. Now, there's a concept behind the attraction. Would you care to explain it?

Earl:

Sure. As you can see, the main strip of Alderdale runs east-west. This provided us with a north side and south side of the street to utilize. Being a border town, I thought we could exploit the geography a little. The north side of the Canadian Walk-of-Fame is for Canadians who stayed. Meaning Canadians who did not seek fame in the U.S.

Shayne:

Okay. So your Barbara Frums, your Wayne and Shuster, your Erica Ehms would be on that side of the street.

Earl:

Uh-huh. And the south Walk-of-Fame is for Canadians who left. Canucks who made their fame, fortune, etc., south of the border.

Kino:

This might be a dumb question, but what about the Canadians who cross the border and come back. They go to L.A., say, and blow it, come back and get their own TV show on Global?

Earl:

That's not a dumb question really. That crossed my mind too. What we've done is begun a crosswalk. It's not finished as you might guess, 'cause only Randy Bachman is in there now.

****Edited from final broadcast****

I mean, what else do you do with Arthur Kent? (Beat)

****End of edit****

Could you excuse me? I have to check whether any of the VIP's arrived. I'll be right back.

Kino:

No problem. Shayne and I will just look around.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

Shayne:

Kino, break out that guidebook again, would ya? Let's see who's down here. Where are we – okay here's the Dairy Queen. We're just steps away from William Shatner according to the map. Yep, here it is.

Kino:

Yvonne De Carlo. That's cool.

Shayne:

Raymond Massey. Lest we forget the other Raymond – who played James Dean's dad in East of Eden. There's Massey Hall, and of course here in BC there's Massey Tunnel.

****Edited from final broadcast****

Kino:

I think…

Shayne:

Mary Pickford! Remember America's sweetheart? Superstar of the silent screen.

Kino:

Hm-mm. Her mansion – PickFair – is an L.A. shrine to the Ontario actress.

Shayne:

A tin of maple syrup that reminded her of home still sits unopened in PickFair's kitchen.

****End of edit****

Kino:

Shayne, look who you're standing on.

Shayne:

Christopher Plummer. Journeyman actor. 60's superstar. He's in everything these days.

****Edited from final broadcast****

Kino:

He might get shifted to the crosswalk though.

Shayne:

That could be anyone's fate.

Kino:

Unless you die a star. Look at Lorne Greene.

Shayne:

Yeah, Lorne's not moving from the south sidewalk.

Kino:

Speaking of the which, let's mosey over to the north side. Earl's over there pacing back and forth.

Shayne:

After you.

****End of edit****

Kino:

Michael J. Fox, John Vernon…

Shayne:

Leslie Nielsen, The 2 Sutherlands! Look Donald and Keifer next to each other, that's nice, huh?

Kino:

Genevieve Bujold, Jason Priestley. Here's Randy. You know it occurs to me that if people walk into the street to see a name they could get hit by a car.

Shayne:

Imagine bouncing off a truck just to see Alan Thicke.

Kino:

Or David Foster.

SFX: A CAR HORN.

Shayne:

So here's the north sidewalk. Look at the program, whadda we got?

Kino:

Okay, these are "Canadians Who Stayed." There's a polite term, huh? Right before us should be – yeah, Jackie Burroughs, Rene Simard…

Shayne:

Look, Kino, says here "Rush." Just "Rush." I guess he means the band.

Kino:

"The Friendly Giant." Huh. No name – just "The Friendly Giant."

Shayne:

Oh, jeez.

****Edited from final broadcast****

Kino:

What, what?

Shayne:

Fred Davis. The host of Front Page Challenge with his own maple leaf.

Kino:

He definitely stayed.

****End of edit****

Shayne:

Earl looks pretty bent out of shape. Let's see what's got Earl's goat.

Kino:

Hey, Earl, what's up?

Earl:

A disaster, that's what. I invited untold numbers of celebrities for today's ribbon-cutting. Not one has shown up, not one . And I've got the mayor of Alderdale wondering aloud if he's just wasted tax money on the walk.

Shayne:

Who did you expect?

Earl:

Who didn't I? Off the top of my head…Rick Moranis, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, Wayne Gretski, Knowlton Nash, Catherine O'Hara, Bryan Adams, The Kids in the Hall, Douglas Coupland, Kate Reid…

Kino:

Uh, Kate Reid died, Earl.

Earl:

(Pissed) Well, then she's got an excuse hasn't she? I can't forgive the others, I'm afraid.

Shayne:

Look, that car!

Kino:

Right, Earl, the Jeep Cherokee.

Earl:

It's Bruno Gerussi! Looking for parking! There is a God. (Running off) Bruno, Mr. Gerussi, I saved you a spot…

Kino:

A Canadian Who Stayed, and showed up. Good old Bruno.

Shayne:

From the Alderdale All-Canadian Walk-of-Fame, Showbiz Shayne and Kino Klassen. That's a wrap from the Hollywood North Report.